Wandering Composition

I try to start my blog posts with a particular idea or subject in mind. There is sometimes some burning question that I'm looking to answer, or just an idea that I'd like to release from the confines of my mind. Other times I'll intend to write a story, just to realize that there is something that has been lingering in the subconscious that writing tends to draw to the forefront. An example being my previous post about an experience I shared with some friends, that I later realized was my attempts of processing a particularly abrupt loss. This time however, I just have an urge to write. Nothing, no particular thought or question is in the forefront of my mind as I write this.. or so i believe now. I expect this to change near the end of writing this entry.

At times I've questioned my own motives for creating entries in this blog, and have even had the idea to scrap this project entirely. I likely won't follow through with this thought, but it does echo in my mind from time to time. When I have these thoughts it's helpful for me to think about or read some of my earlier posts, to rekindle the fire that lead me to creating this. I spend a lot of time reading other people's blogs, and it's possible this may be part of the reasoning behind the lingering thoughts I have to scrap this project. There are individuals who make daily entries, and others who write about a particular subject. Some individuals even have gone as far as to monetize their blog into a full time job and (claim to) have satisfied their financial needs through the money generated while blogging. As fantastical as that sounds, I intend to avoid that being the future state of this blog.

Now and then, I come across a blog where an individual describes some very specific opinion they have on a subject that they very honestly state they are not an expert on. As most of what I read is centers around technical subjects, I tend to find these entries as the most inspirational for my own blog. While I have yet to write anything technical, I've considered it from time to time. Undoubtedly my audience will remain small, entirely by design. The thought that few people will find interest in these subjects coupled with the thought that I'm not an authoritative expert on these, is what prevents me from writing on technical subjects. Some may call it imposter syndrome. I think we all experience it now and again, and it's, according to other blog entries, a common experience for those with creative or intellectual abilities. At least that's what these entries have called it.

I also have a tendency to get halfway down a page and realize that while back in school, I've written many stories or persuasive arguments in the form of essays, these entries don't have any general point to relay, or follow any particular structure. It's about this time that I realize that this is completely okay. As I'm not writing to any particular audience or attempting to relay some specific concept, I'm completely okay with these entries being a sort of stream of consciousness. Much of what I do in my day job is a concerted effort to convince others of the importance of a particular effort or request. Whether I'm backing up some request for resources, or explaining the value that some additional solution might bring to the organization, I do so in a very concise and well thought out manner. Often writing the same email or message four or five times until I've decided that I have found the words that convey the idea in the best way possible.

This idea that I have an area to write without any structure is one of the most attractive aspects of this blog, for me. I can imagine as a reader it can be quite frustrating to follow along. The only response I have for this is there are plenty of sources a reader can find structured, concise, and "to the point" writing. It's possible that by chance you may find this style of writing in an entry on this blog, but if I don't accomplish that, well.. that's okay. It's very helpful for me to have a space to write free of expectation, judgement, and rebuttal. It may sound conceited, and I acknowledge that, but I don't really see much harm in this. If a space for creativity exists in some nested corner of the internet, and allows me the freedom of creativity, I can't complain. For some strange reason, I also appreciate the lack of identity that I maintain on this site. I assume that most of my readers know me personally, and that assumption will likely remain, but setting my identity aside is something I enjoy about writing in this blog.

As mentioned, I do often have difficulty determining what I might write about. In these scenarios, I try to just write. Whatever comes out is proof read, and (aside from grammatical and spelling error) unless there is some lengthy paragraph that seems completely out of context, I let it go. At some point I may have some after thought, possibly "I should have added this" or "I could have worded this differently", but that would be infringing on the freedom of creativity that I intended. Not much of my writing, this far at least, has been of a controversial or provocative nature. I try to just let the words flow from the tips of my fingers to the characters on the screen, and let it go.

As this the intention is for this blog to be a space for me to develop my writing skills, I imagine that this will change in the future. But without any formal structure in place, predetermined milestones, or expectations of what form my entries should take, I cannot predict when that change will take place.

My apologies if you were expecting something else. Maybe I'll write about some project I've been working on in some distant future, or the qualms of a day in the life of an epithet. But nonetheless, I appreciate you taking the time to read this. If you have any desire for me to write about a subject or topic, or just want to drop me a line, feel free to send me an email at epithet@srslyw.tf.

Until then, happy travels!

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